Tuesday, May 02, 2017

You still remember me.

Or else you won't be here, on my page. Reading my thoughts, trying to understand them, even after so many years. 

It's alright I sometimes think of you too. If you've grown. If you still detest capitalism. Or if you've seen now that it actually make sense. 

(to be continued) 

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Timing is Everything

Four years after, the very same thought haunts her: On who does she want to be there on her last moments. When she'd be really alive. 

And just like he did, she feels guilty as hell. 



Thursday, January 12, 2017

"I love you too."

Lately I've been having this thought: I wish I don't question so much. I wish I don't think too much. I wish I can just be honest and tell you. 

But complication, and strong feelings, they make me nervous. Most of the times too much. They make me stop walking, talking, breathing. 

They make me stop writing. 

But I do.

(Love you too) 


Wednesday, October 05, 2016

What to say to an ex who asks too much



An ex has been sending me meaningless messages since I started posting Instastories for the past couple of weeks. Not sure why, messages would go around "you look pretty" or "you look happy" etc.

Last week he, being married with kids himself, innocently asked me the question:

"Don't you want to be married, Krist? I promise it's going to make you happier." 

This is not the first time for me, hello I'm in my mid 30s. But I think I want to record my answer here, not to start a debate or matchmaking madness (hello, I'm me) but just in case someone needs a reference to answer such a typical question.

"You know, the young me used to listen and adore your point of view. But now, it's either you've lost your wisdom, or I've grown much wiser 😉

I'm happy for you because you have found your joy, hope you can be happy for me in return since I've found mine too (without marriage). While the idea may sound odd to the old-fashioned ones, I'm turning down proposals because I am so not in a rush. I see the institution as something sacred, i want to go for it (if ever) because I've met a person whom I can trust and spend the rest of my life with--not because "it's time 🤓" 

You're welcome. 


Monday, September 19, 2016

The Storm that I Believe In

Let's not define this more than: that it's beautifully painful. Let's not discuss the longing, the what ifs, the whys. Let's not talk about the uncertainties because..

...well, they said life is short: pick your battles. So let's ignore the fact that our hearts beat a bit slower, a bit heavier. 

And our eyes glisten. 

(I miss you) 

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

No matter how honest and warm I began

I always ended up chopping my letter into one normal-but cold, impersonal, template like-sentence. For millions reasons. 

One for millions. 

Maybe some day I'll tell you a story about what growing up means to me. And I'll listen to yours.

Till then, I hope you're well and happy.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Here's A New One for You

They said people grew apart, but I never thought there will ever be a day like this. Those empty words and technicalities, the sky was bright but we were not. 

Anymore. 

You've changed and I wish you haven't. Because, yes I heard that time heals. But in this case, 


losing the pain itself kinda hurts.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

The End of an Era: The "Fashionably Late" Era

used to think that being late is not that big of a crime, especially when the appointment is in Jakarta. 

Sue me for being late, but do you have a big enough prison in Jakarta to lock almost 3/4 of its citizen? 

However, my current and previous boss are very particular about being on time. Current patron always says, "Don't gimme 'macet' as an excuse because that's just poor planning." 

So for the last couple of years I have been giving more efforts to avoid being late and to my surprise, there are a lot we can do. Negotiate meeting point, never underestimate traffic, think of alternative trasport just in case (gojek!), check national/city calendar because Indonesians like to do epic celebration in city centers, put all meeting in your calendar, include transfer time while planning your day...

And so on. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still late. But not that often, and it would be a 10-15 minutes delay as opose to the old 45 minutes late me. I even arrive early for appointments! 

Another discovery as I'm transforming myself to this miss not so late anymore is, waiting for your appointment to arrive is painful. It hurts. You'd feel worthless and shitty. Ever see that scene in movies when someone is being stood up by a blind date? Yes, that. 

Some of these people you're meeting would have the courtesy to text "really sorry, bad traffic", some of them would apologise as they arrive. But no matter what you'd still feel, slightly or clearly, sad. Them being late is an implicit way of saying, "You are not THAT important." 

Call me a drama queen, but answer this: Will you be late to an appointment with Mr. President? With Bono U2? With Haruki Murakami? With Hilary Clinton? With Woody Allen? With Anderson Cooper? With Rupert Murdoch? With Ryan Seacrest? With Giselle Bunchen? Did I write her name correctly by the way? 

No, you won't. Because: They. Are. Important. 

I KNOW, these people (who are late) didn't do it in purpose, and they certainly don't think that I'm less important compared to Woody Allen (doh!). Whenever I'm late, making the person I had appointment with to feel worthless was never my intention. 

But no matter my intention, my lateness would hurt them in various degree, while the truth is: To me they're as important as Bono U2, and I have this hope that I'm their Anderson Cooper. 

So let's try and plan better to be on time, if anyone is to be late--don't let it be us. Be the better one, at least try. 

It's just a good way to extend our respect  to each other, an important one too. Now I truly believe that "Fashionably late" is no longer relevant, "On time and prepared," is the new normal.  

And you remember what they say, "A good start is everything."

Friday, July 03, 2015

Takkan pernah yang terbenam diiringi sesat.

Beberapa puluh malam dalam seputaran hidup mungkin berjudul "takkan pernah cukup." Biasanya matahari terbit dalam khilaf cita-cita untuk menyenangkan yang lain, dan terbenam diiringi sesat yang hanya indah sesaat. 


Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Kapan Berhenti?

Hei kamu yang seperti hujan tiba-tiba? 

Bumi yang adalah hati ini sudah basah, angin yang adalah nafas ini sudah lelah. Bukankah sudah waktu, matahari yang adalah happy ending itu bersinar? 

Meski hanya sebentar? 

Bahwa langit yang adalah kita itu akan kembali abu-abu, aku tahu. Bahwa bintang-bintang yang adalah awalan kita itu tidak seharusnya jatuh juga, 

aku 
tahu. 

Hanya saja:

mungkin langit abu-abu yang muram tapi  terpercaya dan bintang jatuh yang indah sesaat tapi selamanya teringat, akan lebih bisa kuiyakan. Jika hadirnya tanpa hujan. 

Begitulah. 
Begitulah.